Hashtag Hipster Nonsense

Hipster Nonsense

I am a whiny old man. The internet is filled with enough complainers, but I think I get more joy complaining about #HipsterNonsense than any other thing I could possibly complain about. What is wrong with these people? Like its 85 degrees, in July, in a church, why the beanie bro? They also can’t get enough scarfs huh?

Cold, Lonely Hipster

Ok fashion aside, since I typically dress like a 38 year old dad lookin to go rake some leaves on a Sundee, its the whole fuckin hipster mentality that gets to me. NO WAY BRO, YOU LIVE IN BROOKLYN? YOU LIVE IN CAMBRIDGE? THAT’S SO COOL! ARE YOU FROM THERE? No, I moved there in pursuit of my hipster dreams. At least “hippies” from the 60s were literally just homeless nitwits stuck on acid. This hipster movement is smug, and douchey.

Here’s a list of what Hipsters Love:

  • Bob Dylan – A somewhat irrational notion that Bob Dylan was the greatest man who ever lived.
  • EDM – Though Dylan is their God, these people somehow still get down with robot farts.
  • Non-corrective lenses – that one’s obvious.
  • Mustaches
  • The Cheapest, Shittiest brands of cigarettes they can find – cuz Mahbs are too main stream.
  • Absurd Micro-Brews – and WE’RE the dicks if we’ve neva heard of ’em

But most of all, they love emitting a wry, unwarranted sense of entitlement as if they think, “I dress this way, and like this stuff, so therefore, you must assume I am smart.”

So Folks, I encourage you, if ur ever irked by a smug hipster, who talked down to you outside a bar or starbucks in his (or her. . ?) stupid condescending hipster tone, tweet about it #HipsterNonsense. And give me credit. Cuz I totally didn’t subconsciously steal the term from Tina Fey in an episode of 30 Rock.



What the Hell Did I Just Watch?

Nobel Laureate, Riff Raff

What is Riff Raff? What do we call it? Ghetto Hipster? Crack Music? Idiot? Holy Crack Cocaine Batman. I don’t even. I mean. Dude. Like you know? Crack.

Andy Milonakis is my new favorite rapper tho.

Hipster Nonsense: Band Names

What’s with all these hipster band names?

Imagine Dragons (K!)

Portugal the Man (I hear he’s a big Linguiça fan)

  • Lady Antebellum (for a group of two men and one female?)
  • Edward Sharp & the Magnetic Zeros (kinda like that one for no particular reason)
  • Two Door Cinema Club (shut up)
  • Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti (sounds Riveting!)
  • Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (nah)

I feel like a ton of them are just “Insert a season & an animal:”

  • Autumn’s Owl
  • Zebra Winter
  • Summer of the Platypus 

Yes those are fake. Still. #HipsterNonsense

Jack’s Mannequin


Hipster Nonsense: The Lumineers

Biters. Cookie cutter hipster bullshit. Watch a video of Delta Rae and play a game of who bit whom. “Look at us, we don’t need a full drum set, just a kick, and a tambo y’all!” Why do these dudes get to play the Tonight Show and Conan etc.? Its sad really. This dude has the gall to claim “…I can write a song….” Hey we’ll be the judge of that asshole. Based on this song alone, I’d have to disagree. Writing checks you can’t cash bruh! Says the Boston hater. All hate aside, baby girl of the band sings well, is kinda cute, and could get it.