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Some 21st Century Shake-uh-speare Shit Right Here

Manti Te’o

manti

There was no Lennay Kekua. Lennay Kekua did not meet Manti Te’o after the Stanford game in 2009. Lennay Kekua did not attend Stanford. Lennay Kekua never visited Manti Te’o in Hawaii. Lennay Kekua was not in a car accident. Lennay Kekua did not talk to Manti Te’o every night on the telephone. She was not diagnosed with cancer, did not spend time in the hospital, did not engage in a lengthy battle with leukemia – Deadspin

So you must know most of the story by now. Country fell in love with this dude for playin so well in the face of adversity following his grandmother’s / girlfriend’s deaths on the same day. THOUGH HIS GRANDMOTHER DID ACTUALLY DIE (everyone’s overlooking that) the girlfriend thing was a HOAX. But I’m not a reporter, so read ALL of the Deadspin article if you don’t have all the deets about this Manti Te’o girlfriend fiasco. Let’s cut to the chase. You are either on one side of the fence of this, or the other. There’s no in between.

Scenario 1: You Believe Manti’s been had.

You think Manti was a victim of some fake long-distance, online relationship, initiated by this Iago motherf*cker,

Ronaiah Tuiasosopo

bob

Thus making poor Manti the Othello in this 21st century drama, involving fake twitter accounts, and clueless self-idictment through the interweb. OR…..

Scenario 2: You think Manti is full of shit.

  • His FATHER was in on it.

Sept. 10, 2012: Kekua is released from the hospital; Manti’s father, Brian, congratulates her “via telephone” (South Bend Tribune). – Deadspin

His Dad did him in on this one. He says he talked to this fake GF on the phone and via text? So your Dad was in on it with old Iago, pullin a fast one on you too, since you really are a victim? Bullshit. Ronaiah Tuiasosopo is Te’o’s Boy btw (read the deadspin article).

  • the Te’o‘s claim that the girlfriend was released from the hospital following injuries from a car accident on Sept 10, then died 2 days later from leukemia. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’d like to think our country’s finest ER Doctors and Nurses would be able to tell if a girl is DYING FROM LEUKEMIA, and thus wouldn’t deem her fit to be released from a hospital, only to go die somewhere.

So as cynical as it is to call out a religious, student-athlete for lying about his fake dead GF, I just have to believe he was in on it.

Conspiracy theory #1: Iago brought forth the plan to Manti and his Dad Brian, they arranged a modest currency exchange to keep shit on the DL, and it all actually worked to hype up Manti in the public eye, and backfired and blew up in their face.

Conspiracy theory #2: Manti Te’o is a naive, gullible, dumb mormon Hawaiian

In the spirit of posing as something we’re not, I’m gonna do my best @SethMeyers21 and recap the “Winners and Losers” of this Scandal (dear NBC/SNL, don’t sue me, just hire me, please #desperate).

Winners / Losers of Te’o GF Hoax

Loser:

– Te’o’s grandmother, who ACTUALLY DIED! talk about being overshadowed. –

old_lady_cartoon

Winner:

– The living girl whose photo they used for the fake twitter account. Hawaiian name / real name, blur face / real face, this gal must be hot right? and now everyone knows it! –

Teo Fake Girl

Loser:

Notre Dame. You lose again Notre Dame.  AD Jack Swarbrick pretended to get choked up recently at the presser addressing the hoax. What a gump. Give me a break guy. They should’ve said, “We’re investigating.” and left it at that. Who said you have to do a presser? It’s not even related to your administration / employees. Losers. –

Swarbrick

Loser:

Mormons. I’ve never heard a NON-weird Mormon story surface in the news. This one doesn’t help.

MissionaryPositions_W_04

Winner:

Whoever drafts this guy. Hear me out on this. His draft stock will fall a bit, but overall he’s a Heisman runner-up quality linebacker. And since our country’s average attention span is 2 total f*cking seconds, no1 will give a shit about this if in 2 years Te’o gets to go home as a pro-bowler, for the Buffalo Bills for example. Ok maybe he won’t be a pro-bowler, but he can still kinda ball.

Bills

And obviously lastly, Manti Te’o, his Dad, and his friend who made the twitter account are losing big time in all this. I mean, people are already accusing Te’o of being a homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong w/ that) just based on this 21st century digital drama. The backlash is gonna be bad if he was in on it. And I apologize in advance if he wasn’t, and he is just a naive, dumb fighting irish hawaiian. But I doubt that. WE got played!

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